Dear “Little Me”…

Recently I have been working with a life coach whose primary role is to inspire, motivate, and support me getting out of my comfort zone, giving myself permission to dream again, and continuing my work as it relates to shame (see last month’s blog).

Shame is something I treat every day through mindset activities such as mediation, positive affirmations, connection with others, and exercise. I accept the fact that these activities will need to be ongoing throughout my lifetime as shame is something I conditioned my mind to (along with alcohol abuse) for decades.

This acceptance is key in my recovery in order to set the right expectations. There are no quick fixes or relief anymore (i.e., alcohol), but each day always seems to play out as a net positive over perceived negatives. I go through a gratitude/thankful list every day and often multiple times throughout the day. I feel more purpose and passion in my life now and even golf occasionally (LOL) 😆. I’m learning that emotional pain cannot kill me but running from it (i.e., alcohol abuse) certainly can. I am embracing the formula:

Thought + Emotion = Action + Result

Author Brene Brown talks often about shame resilience. As I work through this daily, I become more accepting, compassionate, tolerant, and forgiving of myself. This translates into serenity, inner peace, and love and I can truly and fully pass this onto others.

My recent assignment from my life coach was to write a letter to my “Little Me.” This sounded like “Mini Me” from Austin Powers (LOL), and I wish it was that funny. I must admit that in various forms of therapy, I have been reluctant and resistant in dealing with my “inner child.” So, in reviewing this assignment with my coach I became a little emotional, and he felt that was a great sign.

The “Little Me” can be defined as the voice of my emotions that we feel typically between the ages of 5 and 17. Substance abuse can cause the negative emotions or trauma to be buried alive for years and even a lifetime if not treated. So, here we go as I write this now as the emotions already begin to come…

Dear Little Me:

I know that my visits to you have been inconsistent at best over the years as I frequently sought to escape with unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as alcohol abuse, isolation, self-pity, resentment, and playing a victim. This behavior and acting out seemed to feel so natural at first and continued on for decades. I have realized and am still realizing that I have caused you much pain and suffering over these decades. For that I am truly sorry and want to apologize. I make no excuses as I am now empowered and hold myself accountable moving forward. I will continue to do so until God/Higher Power/Universe decides it is my time.

As you know, we carried a lot of shame (of feeling “not enough”) that when things were asked of me, I simply could not do these things as a child and as an adult. Again, I sought comfort and relief in unhealthy coping mechanisms, thus feeling these negative emotions continuously for decades. As you know, we also struggled with a fear of abandonment assisted by “people pleasing” and “compliment seeking” to desperately connect with others.

To my detriment I truly did not want to let anyone down in the process and I became a hypervigilant self-critic. As you may start to see, I have been identifying my primary patterns of these emotions and behaviors. I want to reconnect with you permanently as I realize that my emotions are my emotions (including anger). I must accept and embrace them, however noting that they must be regulated in a much healthier manner.

NA World Services cites, “As we grow, we learn to overcome the tendency to run and hide from ourselves and our feelings.”

In other words, I now take you very seriously and wish to discuss my plan of action for continued healing and growth further.

First of all, I am truly committed to the acceptance, honoring and patience involved with this process of recovery. I am fully aware that this may take a lifetime and must be worked toward on a daily basis. I realize now how self-centered I could be in terms of my opinions — how I needed to be heard and accepted in order to feel good about myself. I see how that was a short-term solution, just like alcohol. My opinions are mine, and I now tend to give them only when I feel qualified based on personal experience. This keeps me from taking myself too seriously. It also helps me listen to the opinions of others, as I can choose to accept or reject them, in full or in part, especially when it comes to unsolicited opinions of me.

I am also working to achieve self-worth, satisfaction, and appreciation for my efforts, all the while looking for more ways to take action and go to the next level. In the past, changes I sought to make generated fear (Frustration, Ego, Anxiety, Resentment) of not being accepted, of being pushed out, or of being abandoned. In reality, I was the one who was feeling these things, and in my thoughts and actions, I was attracting this from others.

My commitment to becoming the “adult me” and still embracing you is being addressed on every front. My physical and mental health is being cared for by a healthy diet, exercise (weights and kickboxing), rest, yoga, and hobbies such as golf, biking, and boating. Mentally I work to set my mind right with a daily meditation to let go (not forget) and change the way I view old and negative thoughts and emotions. I read, write, attend support group meetings, see a primary therapist, and work with a mindfulness expert.

I say these affirmations daily:

• I love you.
• I’m good enough.
• My life is good.
• I can.
• I forgive myself.
• What I want and need is coming to me. (This one took a long time to begin to believe!)

I have always believed in a power greater than me but turning things over was a different story. I am now learning to turn things over to my higher power (God) and lessen my dependence on me, as willpower alone only shrank my goals and needs over time. The more I do this, the more independent I become.

Again, another contrary thought here is belief and action. Each day I make “baby” steps and even bigger steps sometimes forward with fewer steps backward — it is still progress. This is not an all or nothing proposition for me anymore. At the forefront of all this is making connections with others on a daily basis (e.g., phone calls, texting, in person). Even one hour at a support group meeting is viewed as a great step just by showing up. I continue to make myself vulnerable even if the situation at first seems uncomfortable. To truly get what I want, I must get out of my comfort zone by making myself vulnerable to others. Daily…

In summary I leave you with another quote.

“Happy Joyous and Free” — We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate his omnipotence. — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133.

It was good talking to you, Little Me, and thanks for listening.

Little Me, I love you.

This was a good exercise for me, and perhaps it will inspire others who are struggling to write to their “Little Me” themselves.

Thanks to all the readers and listeners for your support and prayers. It does matter so much to me and remember that you and your loved ones matter so much too! Be well and talk soon. 🙏🏻

Steve

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