Don’t Take It Personally

I’m starting this blog with an excerpt from my journaling exercise.

“I have often wondered (painfully at times) as to why people didn’t always respond the way I had hoped or wanted them to. When they did respond favorably to my efforts, I would feel elevated in status (social) and confident and would gain a warm sense of being connected to that person.

It felt so good that I aggressively (sometimes desperately) sought to replicate that feeling/connection with others as soon as possible. Now looking back at what could be my final attempt at sobriety, I am starting to realize that I was setting myself up for what I perceived at the time to be outright rejection when the sought-after response was not there. When I received what I interpreted to be rejection, I would become flooded with several emotions. These emotions included embarrassment, hurt, and anger. I took it to a whole other level as these feelings would lead me to ultimately feel unwanted, unliked, and unworthy, and to more shaming thoughts that could lead to resentments, especially when my tendency was to withdraw and isolate from others. Over time this kind of behavior, and not having the tools to act or respond in a healthy manner, ultimately led me to a very dark place of loneliness, isolation, despair and a bottle of booze that almost killed me. I think Dr. Carl Jung put it best: “Shame is a soul eating emotion,” and I was dying from it.

When I came across alcohol for the second time (the first time I didn’t like it… hungover — LOL) it was in high school and at the time I felt I had discovered a fairly safe way to connect (socially) and regulate my emotions as I felt liked, included, needed, confident, funny, and attractive and I could escape from the world for a while. I chased that feeling on and off for nearly a quarter of a century. And why not, as it seemed to really work for a long time. For those of you who knew me when I was a bit younger, you will remember me as a fairly shy and introverted person. In fact, if the girls didn’t show interest, or if I didn’t get encouragement from friends (being fixed up), I probably would have struggled to find a date or girlfriend all the way through college and my early twenties.

Getting teased for being this shy didn’t help matters either. What seemed so easy for others felt nearly impossible for me. Then came my career and once again I felt a sense of being wanted, needed, included, liked, and funny, but I had some sorely needed self-confidence. My drinking was curtailed for the time being and I went on to have an amazing run at a business career for over a decade, which now I am quite proud of and use the experience to help others. But I never stopped being fond of a cocktail or two or three, however the structure (work) kept things in check for the time being until it didn’t….

On the surface, many who knew me would say I was “living the dream” and for a while it really felt that way. In fact, even today I am aware that I pretty much got everything I wanted and then some. I am also aware now that I never had the tools to properly turn my feelings and thoughts into a consistent proper course of action that was a “win win” for those around me and that included me. When it was a win-win it felt I like I exerted so much effort as I was always looking for something in return. Instead of speaking up or advocating for myself I would button up and suppress my feelings, hide my frustrations and use alcohol to regulate as I did not like feeling this way. I would feel guilty about it (shame) and isolate for a while then re-emerge only to find myself right back in a similar situation.

You would think being a CEO of a pretty large company that I would have better communication skills, but instead I wore a mask because that’s how I learned to cope going all the way back to my childhood. I did not like to feel angry as I felt it was a weakness and I felt out of control. I now know that anger is an emotion that we all experience and that when expressed in a healthy manner it can be quite useful and bring me and another person closer together. As I said, at the time I would suppress this emotion and it would leave me feeling exhausted and I felt no choice but to run from intimacy and isolate for the time being. And of course, alcohol was waiting for me. What I did not fully realize was that the relief I got from alcohol was only temporary, leaving me to assume and still take things personally. I would re-emerge with a mask on and when asked if things were “okay”’ and if I was upset, my response was that I was fine (fucked up, insecure, needy and emotional). Many times, these brief exchanges took place in the presence of alcohol. Some may have planned it that way and I can’t say that I blame them as I was not always the most approachable person when sober back then.”

Today, I start every day by setting the proper mindset. During mediation I set my intentions for who I want to be and how I want others to receive and perceive me.

Examples are:

• Engage with confidence, humility and positive energy.
• Listen with empathy (identify with others), compassion and a non-judgmental approach.
• Be patient, don’t assume and of course do not take things personally.

I want to attract the right people in my life by giving off a warm, caring, sensitive and high-energy vibe. I also repeat positive affirmations such as: I can, I am good enough, I love myself, I’m glad I am alive today and what I want, and need is coming to me.

I eat healthy, exercise regularly, have hobbies, reach out to others every day (phone, text, email, social media), attend support group meetings regularly, and work with a life coach, mindfulness expert, and therapist. I pray to a higher power (God) daily for others and for the courage and strength to be fearless so that I can be of service to others. And when I mean of service, I do not mean something I feel obligated to do. That can be a fine line sometimes and I work to be aware of this so that I do not expect something in return. That mindset could lead me to feeling under-appreciated, assuming, and taking things personally again. One of my greatest tools through all of this mindset work is my ability to hit the pause button before I respond and take action. This could be my greatest power of all, besides turning things over to the will of God, and I believe the two are directly related.

When I pause, I give myself time to not assume anything, listen without passing judgement, have empathy and not feel I have to fix something.

I can simply listen and offer a thought or suggestion if I feel qualified based on my own personal experience or someone else’s experience.

It may seem like a lot, but I realize that the more I put out there to the universe the less I am concerned about what is coming back to me. Please keep in mind that I did not take on all of these activities in a matter of days, weeks or months. It is a gradual process, but as you can read it is trending! In fact, at the end of each day I realize that positives outweigh the perceived negatives and I am getting exactly what I need. That is intimacy and connection with others. That is what my recovery is based on and a big part of how I stay sober today. I also find freedom, happiness and joy, especially in the presence of others,

PS: There is a great little book called the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz that you may want to check out some time. The four agreements are: Don’t assume, don’t take things personally, be impeccable with your word, and always do your best. These are merely standards to try and live up to, as there is no perfection. Without me being in a state of thriving, striving and climbing I would become complacent, frustrated and bored. That could lead to a down cycle and cause trouble for me (drinking). This is something we will discuss next time..

Until then, please take good care and believe in your ability to change. It starts with you. We are all worth it. God Bless!

Steve