Turning Shame into Acceptance and Peace
Shame is a silent emotion we feel and carry with us. It makes us feel flawed in some way. There are all kinds of shaming in the public eye that goes on today (too heavy, too thin, too short, too tall, too slow, too lazy, too smart, too dumb, the list goes on and on…) In my journey, I have finally come to realize that the higher my expectations are the lower my inner peace and serenity level is.
As I have said before, we partly live in a shaming society filled with high expectations for ourselves and others. It is fueled by a strong desire for instant gratification. For many, delayed gratification is simply not enough. People become intolerant of others, lash out, and are just downright mean. Some fall prey to and struggle with addiction. Some remain buried under the stigma of mental illness. Some become depressed and suicidal and some act out in anger and violence. Unfortunately, some do not wish to get help and even worse, many are not afforded the opportunity to get the help they desperately need. And some go hurriedly through life wearing masks of self-deception, false beliefs and fractured values.
In his Secrets of Life Daily Quote, Vernon Howard writes, “You are passing yourself off as someone that you’re really not. And that’s your grief.” How does one bridge this gap between expectation, feeling not enough, and being fulfilled? How do we come from a place of love instead of fear (frustration, ego, anxiety, resentment)? Shame can lead to unresolved anger, which leads to resentment, which can lead to depression and substance abuse. Breaking this vicious cycle is not easy for sure. For many, it is a cycle that is never broken as acknowledging shame requires us to be vulnerable and letting go of resentments and making new connections requires even more vulnerability. Yes, as I have said before, it is very counterintuitive and requires contrary action: Action being the operative word here. Pain is inevitable, and suffering is optional. We have a choice to make. Let me tell you a little bit about the choice I made…
Personally, I had to start by acknowledging to my peers and my family that I was really struggling with alcohol and that I was consumed with feelings of shame and I carried a lot of resentment, which believe it or not was mostly directed at me. Dr. Carl Jung wrote “Shame is a soul eating emotion.”
I admitted that the shame was killing me with the assistance of alcohol. The alcohol abuse was literally killing me as I was temporarily anemic when I entered treatment, and my platelets were so dangerously low that my cells were going to kill each other and, according to the doctors, I would hemorrhage and bleed to death internally.
What did I do? I simply said “okay” to treatment and showed up. In the beginning, they would ask many questions “Why are you here?” “What do you wish to accomplish during treatment?” and “How long do you plan to stay in treatment?” My initial responses were “I don’t know,” “I do not have a timetable, I have today,” “I do not have a specific goal or outcome in mind,” and “I’m here to find that out.”
In many cases these responses still have merit today as I continue to learn, take action and grow. I still do not have a timetable other than today. I still very much consider myself in treatment/recovery as there is no cure. And, if I’m lucky, I will remain in this place of acceptance, self-reflection and awareness for the rest of my life.
But that is just a beginning and a new baseline. Now as I continue to identify, acknowledge, accept, and work through my shame, I am empowered to choose how I wish to experience life. I have also realized that the more I connect with others, the more my resentments are fading away. That’s an amazing feeling to have and yes it requires a contrary action to achieve this. No more handcuffs of guilt, anger, and self-pity. I am no longer a victim!
Admitting that we don’t know something is viewed as weakness in our society. It’s kind of like the media asking a player or coach after a game, “So what are your plans after today? Is this it for you?” Allowing someone to enjoy the moment, reflect, pray, consult and get back to us is barely tolerated. But just because parts of society view players and coaches as being rich and famous, it doesn’t make it any easier for these people to feel, think and act for themselves. Sometimes we just don’t know what we don’t know.
Asking for help, much like vulnerability, is viewed as weakness for men and even women today. Were you ever called on by your teacher, coach, parents, or friends and didn’t know the answer? Maybe you were met with snickering, teasing, and you felt harshly criticized and embarrassed in front of others. Did it make it difficult for you to ask for help the next time? I think many of us can identify with that on some level. And admitting to that requires even more vulnerability.
In the past, not only did I struggle with being vulnerable, I proactively avoided making admissions of guilt or shame, being flawed or weak, and having “character defects.” And last but not least, I found it very difficult to ask for help. When I would finally and begrudgingly ask for help, I found myself flooded with feelings of shame, anger, resentment and self-pity. As you can imagine, it didn’t help matters when I sought help from others and I was met with responses like “What do you need my help for? You didn’t want it the last time.” Or, “So now you need my help?”
Identify with any of that? Today, I realize that while there are some people like that out there in this world, there are plenty of genuine and trustworthy people who are more than willing to help out when asked. Again, you’ve got to be vulnerable and ask.
I simply pray every day for the strength and courage to be of service to others and in return the universe (others) gives me exactly what I need on a daily basis. I also use positive affirmations like “I get to do this” and “What a great opportunity this is,” versus “I have to do this.” For me, it can be a fine line between being of service and feeling obligated. Feeling obligated only adds more stress to my life and takes away happiness from others and myself. Now, is asking for help a weakness? I think not. I submit that acknowledging my limitations and asking for help is a great strength. Avoidance, disconnection and being stuck only fosters fear and shame. That is truly weakness in my book. I’ve learned that working through my shame will not kill me. It may feel really uncomfortable and vulnerable at times, but the feelings of “I’m not enough” eventually turn to a mindset of: I’m enough, I can, I will, I am! Not working through my shame will ultimately lead me back into misery and ultimately kill me. I’ve made my choice for today. 🙏🏻
We are now in the middle of the holiday season and the new year is rapidly approaching. I encourage each of you to listen to my podcast this month. In a time when we should be thankful, sharing and celebrating, we unnecessarily carry the burden of not feeling that we are doing enough. This podcast focuses on you! What are you doing for yourself during this precious time of the year? Are you being of service and care to yourself? Are you tolerant and accepting of you? Are you forgiving yourself for your feelings, thoughts and actions? What are you doing for self-care? Go easy on yourself and take some of the pressure off. Join me and listen now!
I wish all of you a very safe, happy, joyous and free holiday season! Happy New Year as well! Thank you so much for all your kind words, thoughts, prayers and support. It really does matter! You matter, and you are all worth it!!! Take care and God Bless. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Steve
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