My 50th Birthday and My Decision to Live in Gratitude
As I sit here on January 6, 2019, and begin to write, I realize how grateful I am for so many things — people, places, relationships, memories, opportunities, success and more. This includes the pain, suffering and perceived failures in my life of which there have been many.
Today is my 50th birthday, and the list is quite extensive for the things I am truly grateful for. Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I am sober and for me that is an amazing start to each and every day in my life. As some of you know, that was not always the case and that includes many birthdays in the past. And why did I put pain, suffering and perceived failures on the list? It’s because of OPPORTUNITY….
My life coach reminds me that if we are raising our level of awareness then we are constantly in a cycle of: Pain, Growth, Serenity, and then Complacency. The pain, if we choose, can drive us into action followed by growth and serenity. Eventually we become complacent, which can make us restless, irritable and discontent if we do not take action in order to grow again to find more serenity. Simply for me, it is grow or die.
I can experience this entire cycle sometimes on a daily basis as I work to stay “checked in” with my thoughts, feelings and potential actions. As discussed in previous blogs, I often press the pause button and decide to be still with my thoughts and feelings before I decide what action I will take. Meditation is great for this. For example, if I am feeling a bit under-appreciated and devalued, and anger and self-pity come up, then I know that’s a great time to compile a grateful list. Sometimes, I write it all down or use one of the apps that can assist in the process if necessary.
How does this factor in to our lives? I was reading an email from Rick Warren (author of the Purpose Driven Life) and part of it said “Your Thoughts Control Your Life.” I will provide an explanation and perhaps some alternative thoughts that have begun to shape my life.
When I was in treatment the last time (yes, relapse is a part of my story, which I will definitely discuss in future blogs), I found myself waking up most mornings in a bit of a cranky mood and I really wasn’t sure why at the time.
On one particular morning I woke up and meditated and prayed and set my intentions for the day, and then I was off to the gym. Normally, I would feel a lot better by the that time. I would also eat breakfast and take a shower before going to the first group for the day. With my parents coming into town for the Family Program that week, you can imagine my anxiety level was higher than normal that morning. I was feeling restless and irritable as I did not know what the outcome would be. Not really having a clue as to what I would say to them, I stepped into the shower and decided to change my self-centered thoughts and worry and my fear to a fairly thorough review of what I was grateful for at that particular moment.
Going from memory, here is a quick recap of what I thought: I’m sober, I have my health (remember, the doctors told me weeks earlier that I was close to drinking myself to death), I slept in clean sheets, I exercised this morning, I ate breakfast, I’m taking a hot shower, I have soap, shampoo and clean towels. I have toothpaste, floss and mouthwash. I can shave (trust me, when you are in withdrawal and having DTs this is something I could not do), I have clean clothes and a clean room. I have an opportunity to take action and change my life, my parents are here because they care, and I have unconditional and non-judging support from those around me. I went through all of that just to show up with the right mindset for the first session at 9:00 am.
The result that day? We had probably the most honest, thoughtful, empathetic, and compassionate conversation that we ever had between us! It was a great start and a shift in my earlier recovery, and it laid a foundation for future growth between us. Now that is something to be truly grateful for, I think!
A more recent example of how I am working to control my thoughts, feelings and actions is today, my 50th birthday. Leading in to this weekend I had some underlying anxiety, mainly from the fear of not having something “amazing” planned for today. I admit I was placing some pressure on myself for these feelings as I wanted to feel the love from friends and family. I actually felt that if I didn’t have something planned that the shame from that would make me less than who I really am and what I stand for today.
Brought on by feelings of loneliness and self-pity, the shame was starting to come back again and thoughts of getting back at others entered my mind. If I was not aware of my thoughts and feelings, my potential actions could have potentially damaged relationships and possibly set the stage for another relapse at some point and yes, that is how it can all begin. My history with relapse has proven this to be true. The problem was that I was really not letting anybody know that it was my birthday. For a moment, I actually believed that they should all know that it’s my birthday and somehow reach out to me with all these amazing plans.
Fortunately, the practice of incorporating a gratitude list into my daily routine continues to help me get control of my thoughts and feelings, thus regulating my emotions. Again, I chose to make the list quite extensive noting all the things in the previous paragraph with additional items in the positive column. To name a few, they included: a sober, healthy and joyous Christmas and New Year with family and friends, hearing from an uncle for the first time in nearly 15 years, and the opportunity to write this piece. In addition, I prayed for OPPORTUNITY versus being stuck in fear and being flooded with all those negative emotions.
See, I realized I did not speak up and advocate for my desire to do something on my birthday, so whose shoulders does that fall on? Yes, you guessed it. Me! So, I prayed for this opportunity and the prayer was answered. I eventually spoke up, and now we are setting up plans to go out and do what I want. That is, a day to be of service and volunteer some time to the less fortunate and to celebrate the afternoon on my boat here in SoCal when the weather permits. I simply chose to change my thinking, be grateful for what I have today and ask for opportunity. Oh… and to mention one more critical item… I’m celebrating my 50th birthday sober! The result is I get the best of both worlds. The immediate gratification of today and the opportunity for additional (delayed) gratification in the near future with some great friends. In my book, it doesn’t get any better than that.
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