How to Push through Shame When We Compromise our Integrity

The road to finding connection and intimacy with others can feel lonely at first — especially if you compromise your core beliefs, values, and integrity. As I’ve said before, connection is essential to my recovery. And without it, I would feel cut off. I would eventually withdraw into a familiar place of isolation and begin to believe the stories in my head — my fears of not being enough (shame). Loneliness would then set in on top of the shame. Falling in to that kind of a mindset would put me one step closer to a drink, which would put me two steps closer to dying a very lonely and sad death.

As I continue on this daily journey of rebuilding and enhancing my self-worth through connection with others, self-care and self-love, I have started to realize that the times where I get hurt the most and find it the most difficult to regulate my emotions is when I have somehow compromised my integrity. For me, integrity is not just being honest with each other. It is being completely honest with me. Some call it “rigorous honesty,” and it is an integral part of my core belief system and the boundaries I set for myself and others.

I believe in being kind and cordial to others no matter the situation, as we can never go wrong by taking the high road. I believe in listening with empathy with the intention to understand versus the intent of responding for the sake of responding. I believe in being compassionate, honest, humble, generous, passionate, trustworthy, caring and loving with others and ourselves. Am I this way all of the time? Of course not. No one is and that is part of what makes us human and real for each other. That’s the main reason I believe in a power greater than myself. With that higher power I find a life that is a bit more tolerable, forgiving, understanding and peaceful. And finding that higher power is my choice.

I compromise this belief system and my boundaries when I mistakenly think someone is looking for intimacy versus what they are really looking for is an ideological connection. Meaning, they are looking for the same persons, places, and things to love and to hate. These people manage to share just enough about themselves to activate that part of me that is willing to pursue something with the hopes of finding connection and intimacy. Unfortunately, the message can be very confusing when the other person seems to suddenly pull back, avoid, and/or completely shut down. Then, they briefly open up again, and sometimes even a little bit more, but this time they pull back harder, faster, or just go away without warning. Some people refer to this today as “ghosting.”

So, how did I compromise my belief system in the past? Simply, by trying to be someone I am not. I realize now that when people are looking for an ideological connection instead of intimacy (In To Me You See) they have already formed a perception of me before ever getting to know me. And no matter how flattering that perception may sound to me on the surface, the simple fact is that these people do not know me and will really never make a concerted effort to get to know me. That makes their perception of me inaccurate. That also means, that no matter what I do, the odds are that I will never really get the opportunity to change that.

In the past, this would make it very difficult for me to move on as I would replay the tape over and over again wondering where the gaps were. Please try to keep in mind that all of us are starting and finishing here with an unlevel playing field. These people have a false perception of themselves and are burdened with a lot pain, unnecessary suffering and shame. They lack the skills and access to be genuine and congruent with others. So, it’s not just you and me. It’s everyone in their lives. We just happened to be in their way at that moment. I know, this is not an easy one to chalk up to.

As many of you may know, this is a painful way to move on with our lives. We feel we were never heard, and that the other person was not being honest with us. That is probably 99% true, and what makes it even harder is that they exit without notice and seem to move on so easily, while we are left holding the bag (of shit) and needlessly suffering. It is shame evoking and leaves us feeling as if we were not enough for them. Simply put, it hurts, and it sucks!!!

So how do I work through this ball of shame? I seek the truth. Not about others, but about me. When I replay the tape I simply look at where I might have compromised my belief system. As they say, “Seek and ye shall find,” and “The truth will set us free.” I do this without passing judgment on me and the other person involved. I “double down” on my self-care/love efforts by leaning on a friend or two who will listen to me for a set period time. Why is a set period of time allocated? Because time is precious and giving it is a very unselfish and kind act, so I respect their time. I’m also rigorously honest about my role in the situation. Again, many times my role was that I kept showing up and going along for the ride, hoping the other person would simply come around.

Through it all, I also go to the gym and support group meetings. I rest, relax, have fun and, as I have written about in the past, I practice gratitude. That is my go-to and fall back each and every day. Without practicing gratitude, I will fall prey to anger, resentment and self-pity. I will lose the courage to be vulnerable with others and I will miss other opportunities for intimacy and connection. I also pray for these people who have come and gone in my lifetime. I do it for them and I do it for me. Again, self-forgiveness and love are so important. Being vulnerable is how we find intimacy and connection with others and conquer our shame on a daily basis. That takes strength, courage and support from others.

In letting go I stop looking for the truth in others and start looking for the truth in me. Holding myself accountable actually gives me the strength and courage to be vulnerable again and look for real intimacy and connection. I am now reestablishing boundaries for myself again and building my integrity.

Thanks again for all of your support. Take care and God bless!

Steve