How to Feel Your Feelings
The actual act of feeling can be challenging for many of us. Experiencing our emotions, understanding them, and responding accordingly isn’t something that’s always natural, especially if we’ve been in a toxic relationship or we’re going through recovery.
Often, we don’t gain a clear picture of our emotions. We interpret them wrong and that leaves us with more feelings of inadequacy or shame. Then, we transfer that shame to others, and we get angry and lash out.
To be at peace with ourselves and others we need to be able to feel our feelings, own them, accept them and let them be. Because this can be easier said than done, I’m sharing four guidelines I use in my own journey to do this.
Give yourself permission. The first tip involves giving ourselves permission to feel what we’re feeling. In feeling our feelings, it’s important to slow down, sit still and observe what’s going on. Don’t pass judgment on yourself. And don’t be hard on yourself. Whatever you’re feeling okay to feel, as it is there for a reason. By accepting your feelings without judging yourself and others, you can stop from going into a negative tailspin and beating yourself up. In this step you’re simply acknowledging your feelings and letting them be. By being still with our feelings, it gives us time to verify and validate their accuracy before we take action.
Be validated. As you give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling, understand that these feelings are valid, you control them, and they are your feelings and yours alone. Others, especially if they are toxic people, may try to invalidate your feelings and make you feel like you shouldn’t have them or that you’re wrong. People may say, “Get over it,” or “You’ve dug yourself quite a hole.” My favorites are: “I’ll let you know when you need to be worried,” or “I’ll let you know when you need to be upset.”
That isn’t how feelings are supposed to work. Believing that someone else can tell you when or what you should feel makes your feelings contingent on others. It essentially gives your power away. You want to be able to feel your feelings, share them, and talk about them with people who are understanding and supportive. Take your power back. Validate your own feelings and know they’re okay to have.
Prayer and meditation. Another way I take the time to feel my feelings and accept them is through prayer and medication. Praying doesn’t have to mean praying to God or a higher power. It can be just praying for whatever will bring you and others peace. You can pray for love, or pray for others, sending others positive energy and thoughts. That includes your enemies! I always like to pray for the strength and courage to be of service to others. You can also do this at the same time as meditation. Meditating helps calm me down and get present, and then I can be more focused on my prayers for the day.
A lot of people get intimidated by meditation because they don’t understand just what it is. Meditation is simply taking the time to sit still and concentrate on your breathing.
A lot of people also can’t stand the thought of being still for any length of time like that. While, yes, you can meditate for 30, 40, 60 minutes a day, that’s ambitious. Instead my suggestion is to focus on just four minutes a day. Just four! Four minutes gives you time to reap the benefits by sitting still and turning inward, while making it easier to incorporate into your lifestyle so you’re more likely to stick with it.
Write it down. Finally, a way to feel your feelings is to journal them. You can type, you can write, you can draw — however you like. The important thing is to record your feelings. The process of writing them down can be very therapeutic. It gives your feelings a voice, and the paper becomes an outlet. When you’re done you have pages of real-life feelings, true and recorded, which adds to their validity.
Owning your feelings with honesty — and not shame — is not easy. It can be challenging, and it often doesn’t come naturally, especially after years of being invalidated and judged by others. These four things have helped me understand my feelings and sit with them. I know I don’t need permission. My emotions do not have to be contingent on someone else. I have the power, and so can you.
To learn more, check out my related podcast “Feeling Your Feelings in Recovery.”
God Bless You!