Letting Go of Fear and Hate: It’s an Inside Job

If fear and hate do not solve any problems, then why are they emotions that are so hard to let go of? I recently posted this quote on social media by Maya Angelou.

This is so true, yet so many of us hold on to it and refuse to let go. And then we wonder (but don’t admit) why people do not like us or why we can’t seem to catch a break. Instead we return hate for hate or as some would say, “an eye for an eye.” We lash out, we retaliate, and we seek revenge. We hold onto something that feels familiar, but not safe, as we continue to recycle back through feeling and re-feeling this emotion over and over again.

Hate is such an unsafe emotion when we react from this place and yet we hold on to it rather than coming from a place of love. Instead, we often choose to hate people from afar, as that is so much easier. That takes no courage at all. Why? Because it becomes very difficult to hate someone up close when we make the decision to get to know them a little bit. Have you ever tried to reason with a person who is charged up with so much hate and their ego has completely taken over? You can’t! Just take a look at the behavior in the media, social media and politics.

And what is really accomplished by this? How can anything that is so fuel injected with a negative emotion such as hate be for the greater good of all of us? Socrates said, “When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser.” I hold out hope that bringing all this to the surface will someday bring us all together, which is where we truly belong.

I’ve also never cared for the slogans “Win at all costs,” or “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” I believe when we say and believe in these things, it is a reflection of us and our karma. It shows how poorly we can treat and hurt people and that to us they do not matter. I’ve come to realize that people who believe this are really just hurting deep down inside and this behavior is a cry for help as only hurt people try to hurt other people.

I used to hurt a lot and yes, sometimes I lashed out and fired back. I realize now that it never worked. Not one single time. And so, I suffered and suffered some more. I drank and drank some more. Fortunately, I also realized how much I really cared about people and how much I needed them, but I didn’t know how to access it and show it anymore. I felt alone and lost. I stopped trusting me, my values and my boundaries, therefore I stopped trusting others. I was cloaked in the shame of not being enough for me and for you. I hated the fact that I hated. I hated me and that nearly killed me.

I once read a definition of fear that said: FEAR = Frustration, Ego, Anxiety and Resentment. When I am completely honest with myself, one or more of those four components of fear applies to me when I’m afraid of something. When the ego takes over it really seems to use anger and hate as a rush or high to initially feel in control. The situation then never turns out the way we thought it would and there are often casualties. People get hurt and sometimes more deeply than we will ever know. They won’t tell us because now they trust us a little less and they create some distance between us, or they simply go away and leave us. We are at a crossroads then. We can continue on with the vicious cycle desperately trying to regain control that we never had in the first place, or we can come clean about our behavior and humble ourselves. They may decide to move on anyways, but so can we…

Some people just are not willing to do this. Why? I believe it is fear and shame. And now, I have come to realize that when I am afraid and my ego tries to take over and I start to have hateful thoughts of someone, I understand that I am the primary contributor to my own suffering. In the past when I have responded in anger (fear), nothing good has ever resulted from it. Eventually, I would feel bad about what happened, and those shame voices would chime in: I am not good enough, I cannot handle things the way I really want to deep down, and I am flawed. What I wanted to do was exchange love for hate. Ever seen this happen in real life or in a movie? It’s so powerful and so inspiring, don’t you think?

I remember when the tragic shootings happened in a South Carolina church where innocent African Americans were praying. In the aftermath, a teenage boy who was at the church told the nation and the world that he forgave the shooter and would pray for him and his family. He said that is what his mother, who was killed, would want and that is how she raised him.

These were such powerful words from such a brave young man. Even in sadness and grief he was able to come from a place of love instead of fear and hate. My eyes welled up watching him then and again as I write this blog. So many times, I wish I could have been like that and had that courage. In the past I have allowed negative gossip about me and my friends to disrupt my peace. I took it so personally and gave others so much power over me. I allowed it to define me and nearly me break down to nothing as I turned to alcohol for relief until it nearly killed me. I finally realized that what I really hated at that time was me. That was my biggest resentment. I couldn’t tolerate me for having all these negative emotions toward others and especially toward me. It has taken a long time to admit this and how much shame (baggage) I have carried with me for so long.

The pain I endured from others really hurt, but I suffered more as I didn’t know how to let go of it. The hurt became anger, hate, shame and more hurt and that vicious cycle kept repeating itself over and over. I didn’t want to hate these people back. And when I did, I felt so bad for feeling that way and I shamed myself some more. Then I finally decided to do something about it. I had just enough hope and courage to get some help for my alcoholism. When I returned to treatment again and they said to me, “It takes a lot of courage to do what you’re doing,” I finally believed them and replied, ‘Yes it does.”

I knew that I was powerless over alcohol, but I didn’t know that I carried so much shame and resentment toward me and that was my acceptance. My surrender was simply that “I didn’t know” how to solve this problem. I didn’t know how to love myself again and how to find inner peace, happiness and joy. But, I was willing to keep an open mind toward everything that came my way. I refused to shut anything out this time. I needed everyone to know just how much I was suffering, how much I was lost, and how much I desperately need others to survive. I knew that I could not do this alone anymore. Pain is inevitable and suffering is optional. I now choose love instead of suffering.

I can tell you that as I sit here today and share this with all of you that I have observed my ego trying to flood me with feelings of hurt, anger, resentment and shame. It has been attacking me with these thoughts the last two days. It is interesting to me that the ego/self-critic thinks it is trying to protect us, but it never has anything nice to say. That critic can become very loud at times, so here are some things that I do to counter my shame, neutralize my ego, quiet the self-critic, and come from a place of love instead of fear:

1. Self love/self care — It really all starts here for me. If I am not taking care of me, then eventually my compassion and empathy levels will drop and the down cycle will start. If you have a loved one who is struggling with addiction, mental health, or another serious condition the best advice I can give is to “do you” and take time for yourself. Hobbies, exercise, special interests, diet and proper rest are key. Surround yourself with high-energy people who will not make you feel poorly about you.

Remember, when someone else is struggling, YOU DON’T OWN THAT STUFF! I try to remember that the only thing I can change and fix is me. Today, I won’t even allow someone to manipulate me into thinking I can save them or someone else. In doing that in the past, I found myself filled with negative emotions, helplessness, and anger and asking myself “How in the hell did I end up here?”

2. Positive affirmations — Why are these so important? I started reciting a few of these every day and night during my last treatment for alcoholism and general anxiety disorder. Even though I wasn’t sure if they would work, I said them anyways and still do to this day. Because I came to realize that I AM LISTENING and so is the universe! I started filling my head and heart with positive things instead of negative things. The universe is listening and so are others. They will see this in you. Now, the Law of Attraction will start to work in your favor. Stay strong here!💪🏻

3. Meditation — People who are resistant to owning up to their past and desperately want to hold on to what is familiar to them have a hard time with this one. It really starts by focusing on the breath and giving yourself time to settle and relax. Let your thoughts and feelings come and go. The guidance I initially received was to do this for four minutes every day and simply observe what was going on. I still do this today, but for just a bit longer. I let go of anxiety, anger, fear, insecurity, loneliness and shame. Just simply observe and do not pass judgment on you and others. You can do this!

Remember, that you are simply having a conversation with the universe and yourself. There is no judgment here. Simply acknowledging that you are not at peace is a form of surrender. I encourage you to give it a shot for only four minutes a day for a week, then another week, and then a month and check to see if your positive energy and happiness increase.

4. Pause — This is our real power here, especially for those of us who are in recovery and need to regulate our emotions. The inability to do so is the number one cause of relapse. This one got me in the past and it was all shame based. Pausing requires courage, humility and kindness. If we are doing a decent job with items one and two then this will feel more natural. Sometimes pausing means I simply smile in acknowledgement and move on about my business. Sometimes I simply ask for clarification (i.e., What’s made you so upset right now?) and listen to understand better. Sometimes I realize there isn’t anything to say or do and I just smile and wish them good luck. Again, we cannot reason with someone when the ego takes over. If it becomes really toxic then sometimes I move away from the energy and do not respond at all. The no response is a response. It’s a powerful one when coming from a place of love versus fear. For me, it is a way of letting go while letting them know that I will not accept that kind of behavior. Again, stay strong here with others’ support!🙏🏻💪🏻

5. Forgiveness — This is such an amazing gift. With some people I can choose to accept the apology that they will probably never give and possibly do not want to give. Or, I can hold on to this hurt and anger and allow it to block my energy and get in the way of my dreams and the healthy relationships I wish to pursue with others. Hating and being negative will only make our journey more difficult. For these people, I give the gift of moving on. For me, I am letting go and finding peace again. I also pray for them and send them positive thoughts, energy and love. Forgive yourself first and you will open your heart to forgiving others.

In summary, I realize that my anger or hate only punishes me. I get stuck and suffer some more until I put a stop to it. If I didn’t put a stop to it, then it would lead me to acting out in unhealthy ways and put me closer to a drink. That drink is always just an arm’s reach away for all of us in recovery. I accept that and work every day to keep it far away.

Thanks again for all your support. It does matter and you matter. Remember, that you are enough, and your efforts are enough today. Remember what you did right at the end of the day and put that mind at ease before you rest. Sending you positive thoughts, positive energy and love! Stay strong 🙏🏻

Steve