Setting Boundaries: 4 Strategies for Finding Courage
When I think about what has contributed to a great deal of my suffering and my alcoholism, I believe my inability to set and maintain healthy boundaries was at the core and it’s what led to my inability to regulate my emotions in a consistent and healthy manner.
Brené Brown in Braving the Wilderness, wrote “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable we feel used and mistreated.” Until the last few years I never completely realized how important this was to my overall safety and well-being as a recovering alcoholic and a human being who truly cares about other people.
During my journey of discovery and fact-finding about what is true about me, I have discovered that taking the actions necessary to set and maintain healthy boundaries is 100% under my control.
Yes, I own this and I can take my power back and be free. I can control how I react and respond to others who I feel have mistreated me. Control theirreactions? Of course not. Practicing setting boundaries was quite uncomfortable at first. When the opportunity arose to advocate for myself, my stomach would tighten, and I would feel bloated and tired. Sometimes there were butterflies. I anticipated resistance and sometimes it came in the form of certain people simply exiting my life. Initially, that left me feeling cut off and disconnected. Then, the self-critic would enter, telling me that I had done something wrong. I would hear the voices from the past of toxic people telling me that I was too hard on people, that I needed to let things go and lighten up a bit. I remember specific comments like “ Why are you being so difficult?”, “ Why do you always act this way when I am simply trying to talk to you?” “You’re hopeless,” and of course, “I would never treat someone the way you are treating me.”
When you have a history of not maintaining boundaries, and an inability to consistently regulate your emotions, and you carry all the shame that goes with it, those are tough messages to hear and properly process.
I thought I was making things better by avoiding the issue and then hoping it wouldn’t happen again. Until, of course it did happen again. When I would call someone on it, then it was met with heavy resistance in the form of anger and lashing out at me with insults in their efforts to deflect and turn it around on me. Sometimes it worked and I would cave in again, and that would eventually lead to me forming a resentment.
And then sometimes I wouldn’t cave in. If I had the strength to stand my ground (alone sometimes), then eventually the truth would come out. Then it would pass, and everyone would move on except me. Sometimes, I would still feel guilty about it. When fear took over and I relinquished my boundary I was left to suffer needlessly and sometimes endlessly. The pendulum would swing back and forth between shame and self-pity (I’m not enough) and resentment, where my ego would mentally cut the other person to pieces. My ego would also take out anyone who seemed to side with the other person as they too were the enemy in my mind. Not only did I feel mistreated and used, but I resented myself and others for not standing up for myself.
But I’ve learned, like all healthy coping skills that lead to better self-care, self-love, and forgiveness, setting boundaries is an inside job and it starts with me. Here’s what has helped me develop the courage to take action:
1. Stop playing the victim and passing judgement.
They say “pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” I stopped the suffering by going on a fact-finding mission to discover what is true about me. I asked the question: “What was my part in this?” Then through prayer, mediation, journaling, therapy and friends, I simply listened and did not judge myself or others for how I felt about the past. It stopped being about blame and right or wrong. It became about the truth: What was true about me and how the script played out. Feeling self-pity in the past seemed so normal and natural. I realize today that it will only create self-doubt and get in the way and I will be the one who will ultimately suffer.
2. Connect by being vulnerable.
I started making connections with others by making myself vulnerable. I started looking for reasons to say yes to others when I was invited instead of sticking with what was familiar (isolation) and suffering some more. I started by reaching out to new acquaintances every single week to make a possible connection. I do not remember all the “no’s,” but it doesn’t matter, as the “yay’s” more than made up for it.
This requires action and more action and sometimes it can feel tiring, but the reality is that it is a numbers game. As Oprah Winfrey said, “You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” You can even use texting to take some of the pressure off if you want. Connecting with others is my lifeline. Another suggestion is to set aside time to volunteer. I have met some amazing people doing this. The cost is your time, but the rewards are endless. This always improves my mindset and increases my happiness. And the world needs so much of this.
3. Identify the negative core beliefs you have about you.
I recognized that what I was afraid to admit and discuss was eventually going to kill me. As Dr. Carl Jung said, “Shame is a soul eating emotion.” It leads to loneliness and that can be fatal. Greatly assisted by alcohol abuse, the shame was killing me. As much as upbringing and ego wanted to contest this fact, I finally surrendered to my shame and my disease. I suggest writing your negative core beliefs down and finding someone you can trust who you can share this with — someone who will not make you feel worse about this, and someone who will constructively challenge these beliefs. In fact, true friends will point out your greatest strengths especially when you need to hear and believe it the most. Let others help bring them to the surface and help you recondition your mind and heart. Our souls need this nourishment! It can be someone from a support group or church, a therapist, a coach, or even someone you do not know well but have always respected. Please don’t assume it is going to be a negative exchange. Self-doubt and self-pity are major roadblocks in this process. They will only lead to shame and loneliness. I think you will be pleasantly surprised when you reach out to a select few or even just one person for that matter. This is a great incentive to start reaching out and making new friends!
4. Identify your core values.
What do you stand for? What do you want to stand for? I believe this is a key step in rebuilding our self-worth so that we can put ourselves in position to set and maintain these boundaries. I started with reciting five positive affirmations every day even when I was unsure and didn’t believe in some of them. Remember, whether it is positive or negative, your mind and the universe are listening. Journaling and meditating about these things are incredibly helpful. Let the universe and the law of attraction help you. Again, seek out others who will support you in these efforts. I also hope you will reciprocate when called upon by someone who is struggling. That too is being of service and it feels amazing when we raise people’s spirits. Again, the world needs so much of this!
I truly believe I am becoming more empowered, humble, grateful, compassionate, and empathetic every single day. Why? Because I take action every single day. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries has given me access to this. I am so grateful that I realized that it all had to start with me. Looking externally for others to change only led to more suffering, isolating, shaming, and loneliness.
Good luck with this and, please remember this takes a lot of courage so please be gentle with yourself and lean on others for support. When you do, recognize the wins and put your mind at ease at night before you go to sleep. It matters and you matter. Your efforts will be enough for this! Talk soon!
Steve