The Dos and Don’ts to Building Integrity
Interpersonal communication skills are developed when we make a conscious choice to listen to another with the intention to understand. Relationships begin. If we fall short, then messages are often misunderstood leaving all parties frustrated. Then we start to assume things and communication breaks down.
To have integrity in business (and life for that matter) I believe it starts with a choice to listen to another person. In business, it can be to understand in order to solve a business problem. In life, it can be to understand and show empathy. If we don’t listen to others then how can we be transparent with one another if we do not understand their position, needs, and concerns? And without transparency, there is little to no integrity.
Many people promise transparency and claim they are listening, but their actions do not support it. They end up becoming defensive, blaming, gossiping, victimizing, even flat out lying. In business (and life too) this will get you nowhere. If you find any of these negative attributes in a book on leadership principles and keys to success, destroy the book and report the author as a fraud. Let me share with you a quick story about a mentor I had in business over 25 years ago.
Back then I had a great boss who showed me that you could be a significant contributor to a meeting by barely saying a single word. He never tried to dominate the conversation. He never interrupted clients. He always listened to them very patiently with a stoic but friendly look on his face. If he didn’t know the answer, he would simply tell them so and ask if he could get back to them. He had great energy and clients liked and respected him. All of us on the team not only valued his contributions in the sales leadership process, we also wanted simply to be around him.
Clients and people trusted him because his listening skills and subsequent actions were the foundation for his integrity. We respected him for that. As you can imagine, I was eager to show my value and I put a lot of pressure on myself to prove my worth. I wanted to be able to handle all aspects of the sales process. I also wanted to be the one to make that pitch at to the C-level executives and ultimately close the deal.
At first, I think I made this more difficult than it needed to be. I was working for a technology company at the time and was a bit intimated by the technology we were selling, installing and supporting. At first, I thought it was all about knowing the “bits and bytes” of the technology and that frightened me.
I was not really interested in the technical aspects, but I loved listening and discussing the business that the customers were in and how our solutions could solve business problems. I actually feared that I would be asked questions about how the technology was made and performed. I know that seems funny in this day and age, but remember this was the early 90s. After watching my sales mentor in action for months and months I decided to start emulating the way he interacted with customers. After a short period of time I began to realize that my clients saw great value in someone who paid attention to them. They would take the time to describe their business and share their business problems with me. They appreciated someone who would take notes. They respected that I would get back to them in a timely manner regarding any takeaways. Trust was being earned and relationships were being formed.
Over time as I demonstrated the ability to follow through for them, they were inclined to entertain other services we provided and sponsor meetings with peers and higher-ups in their organizations. Was it really that simple? To a large degree, it was. And I also picked up a few other things along the way.
As I advanced in my career as a top sales person and ultimately the CEO of that company, orchestrating dozens of acquisitions, Wall Street success, and a business transformation, I kept these active and passive listening skills intact. This included settling the threat of a major lawsuit from IBM and at the same time still being able to extend a $250 million contract with them. In doing this, I listened to their side, presented our situation with the facts, and realized they simply needed a solution to a business problem that wasn’t just all about money. The key was that I laid everything out and didn’t try to posture with them. They listened to our side.
All this has led me to knowing some dos and don’ts for building integrity in business and in life:
Don’t — Interrupt someone in reaction to something they have said, even if you feel it is off point. Remember, more will be revealed, and give them time to give you the complete picture before you start assuming something. Don’t make weird faces (happy, sad, angry, confused, irritated, surprised) and appear distracted while looking at someone else.
Do — Take notes and listening with a stoic look. Passive listening shows appreciation and can create a safer and more relaxed atmosphere. Maintain eye contact as much as possible. Occasionally nod, but not like a bobblehead. Most people seem to appreciate this. The results are not always immediate, but it lays the groundwork for a longer-term relationship that can be built on trust. Rapport must be established first.
Don’t — Give advice too soon, especially if it is a new client. What if you miss the mark early and then often? Never tell a client how to think, feel, and act about something as it relates to their business, let alone their personal life.
Do — Your homework and be prepared to present the facts versus your opinion. If the customer wants your opinion, then let them ask for it. If you don’t know, then ask them if it is okay to get back to them. If you’re new, tell them so. People tend to respect transparency, so be the one to provide it first.
Don’t — Play the blame game and blame your company or even dare blame someone in their organization. Do not gossip about others, especially the competition. You never know — they may have a relative working for them.
Do — Accept responsibility for your mistakes and those of your company. It happens. The key is to address it in an expeditious manner. If you committed to do something and are unable to deliver, then make sure the customer hears it from you first and present them with other options. If they decline, they will probably still respect your transparency enough to consider you and your firm in the future.
Don’t — Hide and deal in vagueness. If you do and the client is a good listener, you are entering the danger zone. Don’t avoid the client, even if you feel it is going to be bad news. This will likely only upset them further as they have others to answer to. In other words: Don’t lie under any circumstances.
Do — Follow up whether it is a yes or no, good or bad. Relationships are built on trust.
Don’t — Overpromise and overcommit by saying yes to something in hopes of figuring it out later. This is an approach that many consulting firms used in the 80s and 90s while they kept charging and asking for more money, and they ultimately failed to deliver anything close to what was promised. Without transparency supported by actions you are setting yourself up for short- and long-term failure. This is a surefire way to get thrown off the account and burn a bridge.
Do — Present fact-based solutions and use references wherever possible. Con-artists will try to trick with the element of surprise and speak in vague terms. They rarely can provide a credible reference. They may tell you they have them, but rarely provide them when asked. Facts supported with good references are very powerful.
In summary, whether it is solving a business problem or resolving a conflict in life, it requires connection, which requires vulnerability. It starts with listening and being the first to provide transparency. To have the courage to be vulnerable like that, we must demonstrate our willingness to get involved by listening first. Listen more, talk less as they say.
We show value by our actions and authenticity. Because we listen, we are able to remove much of the subjectivity and replace it with objectivity and facts. We must be able to tell the other person “I don’t know” with confidence and simply get back to them. Do your homework! People appreciate this. Remember the ego loves to hide and deal in vagueness. Start with listening with the intent to understand and that won’t be you.