4 Reasons I Became an Easy Target for Narcissists
It’s taken over four decades, failed relationships, living in fear, disappointment, shame and a fall into the depths and darkness of alcoholism for me to realize why I kept going back, attracting and allowing abuse from unhealthy/toxic people who many refer to as narcissists.
Maybe some of these people are truly suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and maybe some are just selfish jerks who believe the only way to get by in life is at the expense of others. Either way, I believe there are definitely similarities between the two and I will let the experts sort out the rest.
Many people are now inclined to label and name unhealthy/toxic behavior as narcissism. My own personal experience has led me to believe that certain people have made a conscious choice to live from a place of fear instead of love regardless of how it impacts them and others.
Narcissists are primarily focused on how events affect them. Self-centeredness is a way life for them, thinking only about their pain, needs, and lack of self-worth and identity. Narcissists live in fear and when it is time to discuss, empathize, and compromise they choose to opt out and focus on winning at all costs. It’s now you versus them and all bets are off. Logic and reason go out the door as they are inclined to suffer endlessly and needlessly to avoid any responsibility. That’s their choice of course, except that they want to bring us with them. As they say, “misery loves company.” They will gaslight, blame, shame, gossip, abuse, and then play the victim until the cycle starts over again. Their hope is that we will get worn out and give in to their irrational behavior and demands, which seem to change constantly.
They lack empathy, the ability to reason, regret for the harm they have done and the capacity to be honest. Again, they live in fear: Fear of criticism (perceived or actual), betrayal, abandonment, and being unloved. This is how they choose to live.
I believe I was a target for narcissists in my life because I was unable to move through these experiences without passing judgment on others and myself. I shamed myself for this and wondered what was wrong with me. I carried my resentments straight into alcoholism. I couldn’t stand it. I chose to withdraw further from life and into alcoholism and the result was that I hated myself. I didn’t know how to take care of myself and the resentments I was carrying ate my soul away one drink at a time. I finally decided to get help and treatment for core issues that were contributing to my alcoholism. I realized that it is an inside job first and foremost. During this journey of self-discovery, I have learned these four things that made me an easy target:
1. Lack of self-awareness. I was not taught to be self-aware. Self-conscious yes, but not self-aware. I did not know how to turn inward and acknowledge and honor my feelings and emotions and use them to identify my unmet needs. Expressing emotions (positive or negative) was frowned upon, guilt was inflicted, and punishment was given. I learned my first coping/survival skills early on and that was people pleasing. I became afraid of many things including confrontation. Confrontation really frightened me whether it was constructive or not. I didn’t want to get hurt, but I didn’t want to disappoint and have people mad at me. When I did stand my ground, I simply couldn’t handle the loneliness and the feelings of despair that would take over, and so I returned to the relationship hoping things would be different this time. Rarely would things change as it inevitably got worse. I thought being left out and alone made me unworthy and unlovable. I made my first unhealthy choice. I started to believe that other people’s opinions of me mattered more than my own. I took it all personally and felt left out, lonely, and confused.
2. Lack of Boundaries. Boundaries in the past were reactionary, emotional and inconsistent for me. Why? I didn’t really understand the importance of boundaries as a healthy way of living. I desperately wanted connection but would sacrifice my core values and beliefs to get it. I did not take the time to practice self-awareness and identify my unmet needs, and therefore these types of people were often successful in creating doubt and making me feel that I was to blame. I suffered physically, emotionally, and spiritually along the way. I became so confused, distraught, disconnected, and discontent that I only took action when I felt enough was enough. And many times, I wouldn’t hold firm as fear, doubt and uncertainty would resurface. In other words, I shamed myself regardless of the outcome. I had no real boundaries. Boundaries seemed like punishment. They felt confrontational and adversarial. They were simply limits, but I didn’t respect me enough to honor those limits. The pendulum swung between shame (I am not enough) and hate (I’m better than you). My expectations rose with every encounter and I continued to suffer. I was now full of hate whether a boundary existed or not. I either hated you or me or both of us.
3. Lack of self-acceptance and forgiveness. When you spend enough of your life thinking that you need to fit in and be accepted by others, then how can you expect to accept yourself? Even when I thought I was being accepted by others I felt unnoticed, under-appreciated, misunderstood, unworthy, and unloved. I withdrew and isolated. Most of the time I still questioned whether or not I fit in. Remember, I was a people pleaser and didn’t like confrontation. And for that, I thought forgiveness of self was undeserved and nearly impossible. For a time, I thought alcohol was the answer to most of this whether it was good, bad or indifferent. I thought I was being accepted and people loved me when I drank. But, by who? As my restlessness and discontent grew, I lost the ability to discern between who was being authentic and who wasn’t. I was afraid either way. I realize now that for me it only paved the way for more suffering as it blocked my chances of succeeding in the long term. I kept turning outward for the answer and attracted more toxicity along the way. I lived in fear and shame. Self-care and self- love were almost extinct. I became alcoholic.
4. Shame. I became desperate to feel worthy of self and others whether it was business or personal. I was lost in my own narrative of fear, disappointment, self-pity and loathing. A failed marriage, betrayal of false friends, and fired from my dream job: I now carried myself as a failure in life. I didn’t understand that the universe was sending these people out of my life for reason. I didn’t want to believe it, but I didn’t know how to change these feelings. I wanted to change and didn’t know how. “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” — Brené Brown. My shame became toxic as I withdrew into secrecy, alienation, and emptiness. The script was not going to end well. Then I decide to change that…
When I returned to treatment for alcoholism, I started to seek the truth about me. It took courage and rigorous honesty. Once I started to realize that there were underlying core issues that contributed to my alcoholism, I became hopeful and felt empowered to take action. It was action that felt contrary at first, but I was willing to make these efforts. It got better and it keeps getting better. First and foremost, I practice self-care for my mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. Without this I would be left powerless against a toxic and narcissistic person. I flush out these toxic people by being a good listener and active participant in the conversation. I listen to my body when it says it’s time to be unsure. I pause and move away if necessary. I test the waters early by using feel statements to call people out on their inappropriate behavior and sticking with the facts versus the emotionally charged narrative. I can meet resistance with resistance without it causing damage to me. Only unhealthy people will get upset and remain upset with this. Most of these people simply go away. Their tactics of deflecting, rejecting, projecting and ignoring simply do not affect me like they used to. I forgive myself for the past and, yes, I have those boundaries and I rarely get lonely for having them. If I isolate, then it is by choice as I respect my need for space and comfort. And, more often than not, I am able to come from a place of love instead of fear. When fear arises, then once again I turn inward, seeking the truth about me, and the universe brings me the rest when I am ready. I now have the courage to take action which starts with me sitting with my feelings, naming them, and taming them. Perfection with all of this? Yes! I am perfectly imperfect every day. And I am okay with this. In fact, life keeps getting better and so do the relationships in my life.
I truly believe now that I matter and that my efforts are enough and sometimes quite extraordinary. We all matter, and we are all loved. Awareness, forgiveness, acceptance, care and love will bring you to this same belief. Good luck with this this journey and God Bless!!!
If you would like to hear more about how I deal with narcissistic and toxic people, click here to listen to my video podcast, “5 Ways to Eliminate Narcissistic People from Your Life.”
Steve