I Achieved 2 Years Sobriety May 7, 2020.

Here is part of my story…

On May 6th, 2018, I received a text message from my father asking me “How’s it going?”. I replied, “Not good”. He immediately called me to inquire about what was wrong. I told him I had been drinking again, and that it wasn’t good. I don’t remember the rest of the conversation, but I got a call and text from the treatment center I had attended in 2014 and they told me they were sending someone to come and get me and that it would be ok. I was so intoxicated that I made the driver wait because I had passed out for about 45 minutes! The driver never judged me for this. He helped me pack a bag and get into the car. I simply said, ‘Yes’ and agreed to return to treatment for alcoholism for the fourth time in a decade.

This time it started differently. First, I acknowledged my willingness and courage to come back. I did not shame myself for relapsing again while returning with my hat in hand. I showed up in terrible shape from all the times I had fallen from my drunkenness. The repeated falls broke my nose, cut my face, and I broke my tailbone as well. I inflicted one such cut on my shoulder from crashing into a glass cabinet. I bled so much that it destroyed my shirt, pullover, bed sheets, and some furniture. That cut only required 5 stitches.

At the treatment center, they informed me that the results of the blood work showed that I had a dangerously low platelet count. The doctors determined I was anemic and that the possibility existed that if I continue to abuse alcohol, I could start to hemorrhage internally and possibly bleed to death. Miraculously, the platelets returned to more normal levels in a couple of weeks. In the past, a lecture from a doctor or therapist would have felt like shaming, and I probably would have resented it some. This time, I decided it was exactly what I needed to hear. All of it was. I determined the only way to receive the support, guidance, and feedback that I so desperately needed to co-develop a plan to achieve and maintain healthy sobriety was to become more honest about what was truly causing me to relapse over and over again.

This time I made the brave choice to acknowledge what was at the core of my alcoholism. I carried tremendous shame with me, and that caused me to live in a lot of fear at times during my life regardless of past successes. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being liked and accepted. Fear of not getting what I wanted and the list could go on. No matter what gender you are, I believe that acknowledging shame is a tough one to sign up for. Addiction still has some negative stigma attached to it, and I feel we live in a partly shaming society these days. You can simply look at the mainstream media and social media for proof. As Brene Brown puts it: Guilt is “I made a mistake,” and Shame is “I am a mistake.” I needed to stop believing that I was a mistake and stop carrying myself as a failure. That shame was eating my soul away one drink at a time and I was dying…

Each day I showed up in treatment and shared a bit more about things that I had previously thought were trivial, like my fears. I stopped worrying about what people would think of me. What I thought was insignificant became survival. That is what I do today. Let me attempt to summarize below what worked for me back then and still works today. Here it is:

1. Self-Admittance — I admit to myself and my higher power daily that I am a real alcoholic and that for me to drink is to die. I believe today that if I drink, that all bets are off for me and I will become a prisoner to alcohol again. It took me a long time to get to this place. It helps me neutralize any incoming thoughts associated with drinking like nostalgic and euphoric recall. Yes, I still get these thoughts from time to time. It gets better, and the truth is setting me free…

2. Self-Discovery — When I experience fear and shame, I start by asking some questions like what I am afraid of? Am I doing my part? Is it true? Is it necessary? Yes, it’s an inside job, and now thru much work and prayer, meditation, journaling, and other forms of self-care I have access to stay with these fears, name them and have a plan to tame them. I can pause the worry cycle long enough to prevent myself reacting from a place of fear and associated negative emotions. I can keep my anxiety in check now. It’s empowering and freeing…

3. Self-care, forgiveness, and love — It’s something you must do yourself. Without this, I would either return to drinking again or I would be a very unhappy, resentful, and angry person in life. My biggest resentment in life ended up being toward myself. I am learning to be gentler with me first. I didn’t believe that forgiveness was possible for me. It is, and in my opinion, everyone deserves this. Be gentle with yourself, please…

4. Expectations — If these are not held in check and kept as low as possible, then fear and shame can re-enter the picture. Expectations can lead to resentments and can destroy everything I am working towards.

5. Gratitude — They say this is one of the healthiest and most healing of all emotions. Of course, I would add love to this as well. At first, I simply recited positive affirmations and going through a gratitude list as detailed as I felt was necessary. Even given the current pandemic environment that we all face at some level, I focus on what I have in my life today versus what I don’t have. It manifests itself as the list keeps growing.

6. Service — Of all the business transactions I have ever been involved in, being of service to someone else without any expectation of something in return is the most rewarding of all. I hope you consider trying this as it will not hurt you, only heal…

I still have drinking thoughts to this day. Sometimes my mind wanders to faraway destinations to escape and get some relief. I can get euphoric recall by experiencing ‘spring fever’ and dreaming of a few cocktails during and after a round of golf or boating. I can experience nostalgic recall while visiting my friends back in the Greater Cincinnati / Northern Kentucky area and think for a brief moment “why not just for this weekend?”. Now, I can quickly go back to step one and it works. The thoughts pass now rather quickly.

Today, I wouldn’t relinquish self-awareness, freedom, and intimate connection with others for a drink. Today, I am free to pursue my dreams with passion again. Today, I have the tools to deal with fear and regulate my emotions much better. Today, I have healthy boundaries and can choose to move away and stay away from toxic people.

For anyone out there who is struggling with addiction or knows someone who is, I leave you with this:

You matter damn it, and you are enough!!! There is NO shame in this whatsoever and asking for some help takes tremendous courage. It takes Honesty, Openness, and Willingness (HOW) to do this, but you have this in you. You just need to say yes today and not worry about tomorrow. There is a way out of this and there is help. You can do this, and you are loved more than you know.

Steve