‘Fear Became My Life’
In this article I discuss my 6 step plan to move through my fears one step at a time.
Fear, doubt, and uncertainty controlled me and ultimately led me into alcoholism. In this article I discuss more about how these factors contributed to me becoming alcoholic and how I move through fear today one moment and one day at a time.
At 53 years of age, I can now look back and accept the fact that there were so many times when I acted from a place of fear. Whether you suspected it or not I lived in fear for decades. I constantly used past experiences to gauge how I should feel and react towards a present situation. I thought my past had power over the present when my emotional security felt threatened.
I became a people pleaser and initially I felt accepted by others. Eventually, I wanted something in return for these efforts. What I wanted was emotional intimacy When I got approval and felt validated, then I simply wanted more and more. And when I didn’t get a reciprocal effort, I felt angry, disappointed, betrayed, and sometimes I felt abandoned and drown in self-pity. If these feelings persisted long enough, then I became resentful. This cycle eventually created enough shame that often I doubted my self worth and would often seek safety by isolating from others.
I became my biggest resentment and therefore my biggest obstacle in life. My inner self critic had completely taken over. My boundaries were easily penetrated as I didn’t want to feel left out and isolated from others. I craved connection and emotional intimacy with others. When I tried to stand up for myself, I was told I was difficult to talk to and be around. I feared conflict, disappointing others and being alone. I started to believe that I was not enough and sometimes questioned my own existence.
By the time I was in my late 30’s, my inner self critic started to take control and the shame kept piling up. I lacked emotional self-awareness so regulating my emotions became quite challenging when my career was on the rise, and I need to be in peak form. Alcohol seemed to be the ‘great regulator’ for a short while but eventually I became so frustrated, dysregulated, and hypervigilant that I didn’t know how to advocate for my needs anymore. So, I ran from emotional intimacy and those that truly wanted to help and support me. I isolated more and more. Wherever I was at the time I wanted to be somewhere else. I became alcoholic. I stayed there for almost a decade.
When I returned to treatment for alcoholism in 2018, I made some life changing decisions. I decided to be gentler with myself while making the courageous decision to embark on a journey of self-exploration, self-forgiveness, and self-love. I decided to admit my fears and how much shame I was carrying with me without presenting myself as a victim or a fragile and helpless person. I decided to stop judging myself so often. I took contrary action by making myself vulnerable around others while realizing that no one could really hurt me emotionally except me.
As I became less judgmental of self and others, I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin and around others. I became more comfortable establishing boundaries without imposing my will on others. I started to lower my expectations of others while getting more honest about what my fears were and why they had paralyzed me almost completely for years in addiction. Here is what I discovered and what I do today one step at a time and not all at once:
1. I accept that it is an inside job — The only person who could make changes in my life was me. I am empowered and the only one in control of me. How do I do this?
a. I use positive affirmations such as: I am enough today. I am lovable. I am worthy. I have everything I need, and the rest will come when I am ready.
The mind and soul are listening no matter what we are saying. When I have a positive mindset, I am better equipped to distance myself from others negativity.
At night, I take time to remind myself of the accomplishments so as to put my mind at ease before I go to sleep.
b. Identify my fears — What am I afraid of? I confront these fears and wait for the answers. Acceptance that I am afraid of something is key. When the answers come, I am non judging. Calmness enters as I accept the fear, doubt, and uncertainty of what the future may bring.
c. I fact check my assumptions — Is it true or could it be ‘False Evidence Appearing Real’ (FEAR)? Is this something from past that the ego wants me to remember and causes me to worry about the future while trying to control the outcome in the present? I’ve discovered that while my ego prefers to time travel between the past and the future, I find more comfort and peace in the present.
‘Know Thy Self ‘ — In other words I make the effort to get to know me better each day.
2. Gratitude — This is the healthiest of all emotions. Whether I am living in gratitude or reciting what I am grateful for it is healing for me. I promise this will not hurt you. Practicing and living in gratitude brings my fears under control and allows me to see what I have instead of what I don’t have.
As Melody Beattie (author of Co-Dependent No More) states: ‘Gratitude makes sense of the past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.’
3. Emotional Regulation — It starts with mindfulness. Whether it is meditation, or writing I take the time to get present and become aware of my thoughts and feelings. I do not deny or avoid these thoughts and feelings any longer. If I do, then I will suffer and remain stuck.
I stay with them long enough to name them. I search for the resistance. Fear and shame can often be found when I am struggling.
I accept these thoughts and feelings without judgement. This is where healing and growth occur. I suffer much less. I have become less self-judgmental and critical of others serving as a catalyst for raising my emotional self-awareness.
4. Self-care — This creates positive energy for me to heal and to create. For me this requires something that is action based and good for the soul. Is there joy, ease, and lightness in what you’re doing? If not, then it might be time to take a break and move away. For example, I do pilates, yoga and weights for my mind and body, and I do mixed martial arts because I love it!
5. Helping others — Nothing moves me away from negative self-talk better than helping someone else without having expectations of receiving something in return. Getting a ‘thank you’ is now viewed as a bonus.
I have even been inspired and blessed to form a non-profit organization that serves single, at-risk, and endangered mothers and children.
6. Action — I go and grow or I will begin to die spiritually. There is only one way out and that is through. There is a saying called ‘nothing changes if nothing changes.’
Trying to be perfect becomes quite frustrating and emotionally exhausting. I am perfectly imperfect but more capable of love today than ever before.
Acceptance of who I am has become my friend and not my enemy. It takes a positive mind to get to this place. A negative mind will only lead to more resistance. I choose positive affirmations over negative self-talk today. Self-condemnation is replaced with self-care. Self-worthlessness is replaced with self-forgiveness. Self-loathing is now replaced with self-love. I now experience new freedom and spiritual growth. I heal. I grow and I become a better version of me today.
I now realize that I wasn’t defective. I was simply unaware, afraid, and lost for a while. I have found my heart again and have passion and purpose in my life again. More regularly, I now come from a place of love instead of fear. I am Steve again.
Steve
Steve Pomeroy is the CEO & Founder of Believe In Big Change, a non profit organization.
Site is: www.believeinbigchange.com