Recovery Starts with Making Connections

As a person in recovery from alcohol use disorder (i.e., alcoholism), I have spent much time reflecting on the key components to successful recovery and living a life worth living.

I believe that to really embrace recovery, a person’s quality of life must be good. It must stem beyond having structure with a career, food, housing and clothing. That’s a start, but I believe making and sustaining connection with others is what’s essential. (Learn more about the importance of making a connection in my first podcast here.)

This is by no means an easy one whether we are in recovery or not. I’m currently reading Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, who defines vulnerability several different ways. The two I liked and related to the most were:

• Vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure and
• Vulnerability is where courage and fear meet.

For many of us who are recovering from addiction and/or mental illness, this task can be incredibly challenging and down-right terrifying.

Addressing shame head-on

Many of us suffering from addiction and/or mental illness carry a lot of shame. For me shame is not being good enough and not living up to my expectations, including how I perceive others’ expectations and opinions of me. I’ve carried this kind of shame with me for a long time. Now I realize that the most effective way for dealing with this shame is to be vulnerable — to put it out there — with others in pursuit of healthy connections and thus intimacy with other people.

Have you ever said to yourself, “This person doesn’t seem interested in me,” “This person doesn’t understand me,” “I don’t fit in,” “They don’t like me,” or “It’s not a fit for me”? Just try being single and dating sometime and you can quickly relate to this (lol)!

I have found that the only way for me to get out of my head and counter the shame of not being good enough is to continue to pursue and make connections with others. It is with their support and friendship I am able to achieve and maintain a healthy level of self-esteem and sobriety.

Defining and asking for support

I have been asked by friends and family how to define support. They ask, how can we help? The meaning of support seems so ambiguous and unclear. I believe that to support others one must have empathy and compassion. To have those things, one must first take the time to truly listen.

Intently listening to another without assuming or judging can be really difficult for some. They tend to assume certain things and quickly reach conclusions. Then they try to fix the problem without ever really understanding what the problem is. Once we listen, then the door is opened for increased awareness and education and the ability to understand, love and support someone. This alone will help loved ones start to feel better about themselves and begin to have some hope and to believe again. This kind support can give them the much-needed confidence to start reaching out to others in a healthy way.

Without this basic level of support we are left to figure out things for ourselves. Then we start to make assumptions and reach conclusions about others and ourselves, which can lead to a false self-image. For those in recovery, this can become a really dangerous and unhealthy place to be. We often then make desperate attempts at “people pleasing” while reducing and or eliminating boundaries. We become confused, frustrated, angry, sad, lonely and sometimes really depressed. The shame begins and can lead us to forming resentments. We then tend to isolate from others and this makes it nearly impossible to receive love and support even from those with the best intentions.

Self-pity or feeling unappreciated and misunderstood comes into the picture as well. Self-pity and resentments are “killers” for those dealing with addiction and/or mental illness. Yes, that is what I said. They are “killers” for us and that means we can fall back into addiction, depression and other unhealthy behaviors. Unfortunately many times suicide is a result of this state of hell. I believe those dealing with suicidal tendencies feel that this is the best option for them and their loved ones. They sadly feel that the world would be a better place without them. And we know that to be untrue.

For me to start making healthy connections I had to swallow my pride, check my ego, and throw any assumptions and opinions of others that I had out the door. To attack my shame I had to become completely vulnerable with those close to me. It is such a contrary belief and action in that we must attack the shame with vulnerability! On the surface that doesn’t make a lot of sense, but that is where I had to go.

That process had to start with my parents, as deep down I really wanted and needed them to be part of my recovery. I needed them in my camp as we had a lot of positive history and loving times in spite of our differences and the difficult and unpleasant situations that evolved over time.

To see that (again) and look beyond my hurt and resentment I had to get completely honest and make myself completely vulnerable to them. How did I do this? I had to start by telling them about the magnitude of my shame (not being good enough) — the anger, hurt and complete picture of the depths and darkness of my alcoholism. In other words, I had to tell them (and myself) that I wasn’t perfect, I didn’t have it all figured out in life, and I really needed their support and love. The result was amazing. I gained their undivided attention, empathy, and willingness to understand and support me going forward.

How to help your loved ones

For those of you who have a loved one who is struggling with addiction and/or mental illness and have asked these questions: Why? What is wrong with them? Why do they act and feel this way? And how can I fix this and make it go away? The answer is simple and yet complex. YOU CAN’T! You must check your ego, pride, assumptions, and everything you think you know about these diseases and disorders, and throw it all out the door. Even money can’t solve the problem.

There is really nothing you can say to change how your loved one feels and acts except listen and offer words of encouragement, hope, and love (sometimes detached) with no expectations and strings attached. These words can be in the form of compliments that bring to their attention their strengths and abilities, or reminding them of their positive achievements in the past. Also, just saying, “You matter to me and I love you” can go a long way.

Again, it’s essential to have little to no expectations when making these efforts and to not give up easily. It will take time and eventually it might just sink in, and your loved one will start to believe. Again, connection is the key to recovery.

Next time we will discuss simple steps and actions to start making these connections without setting the bar too high with unreasonable expectations.

Until then, have hope and believe.

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