Finding the Courage to Listen with Empathy

Listening with empathy is connection with others. It’s an acquired skill and it takes a lot of courage to be able to do that.

I am not here to tell you that, when it comes to trauma, stress, addiction, homelessness, disease and many other forms of terrible loss and suffering, I can identify with it all. It is not possible, I think. When someone tells me they lost their spouse or loved one to a terrible disease and their son or daughter to addiction, I cannot directly identify with that. Then they tell me that loss is why they drink, drug, cut, stay in bed for days, binge out, or do some other unhealthy coping behavior. And all I can really say is: “Wow, that is really terrible and I am not sure what to say. I am so sorry for your loss.” They might even say, “My wife or husband left me, took the kids from me, and I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to and that’s why I use drugs and alcohol.”

When this happens, I do not even begin to tell these people about my story or someone else’s story for that matter. I don’t use clichés either. Why not? Honestly, it’s because it really doesn’t seem to matter to them at that point in time. They are in a lot of pain and suffering and that is all they can think about for the most part. I don’t blame them one bit and I certainly do not shame them. I simply listen with empathy, meaning I look to identify or relate to their pain in some way. All of it? No. I do not believe that is possible.

There is no perfect comparable situational analysis that applies when we try to relate to each other. There are similarities and differences as all our stories and journeys may have similarities, but they are different. When I look to identify with others I have two thoughts in mind: At what point did they begin to believe that they were not good enough for themselves and others? And, when did they begin to believe they were flawed and not lovable?

I join others in being able to listen and relate to people’s pain and suffering in some way because I worked and continue to work on my own shame and the anger and resentments that came out of that shame. By doing so, I have access to that part of me and that allows me to feel their pain rather than avoiding it.

For decades I had people tell me that I was good enough and also that I wasn’t good enough. Many times, it was the same people and that was a mixed message for sure! Sometimes the “not enough part” served as a motivator for me. Some call it “Tough love.” As you can imagine, I do not subscribe to that philosophy. Accountability, hell yes… But when I experienced more stress in a shorter period of time than I had in my entire life, the voices of “I’m not good enough” became louder and louder. I did not lose a loved one to a terrible disease, I was not physically or sexually abused. Emotionally? I think so. But stress and shame piled up on me and my heavy drinking eventually became alcoholic drinking and thinking, as they say. I went through a public and ugly divorce and then was unceremoniously terminated from a company that I successfully ran and helped build, rebuild and stabilize. I’m not even going to compare my losses to those of others. But they were my losses and they hurt really bad. I believe we are all equal from that perspective. It was so bad that at one point I was ashamed of my shame and was afraid to tell anyone about it.

When I reflect back on those times, for the most part, there weren’t voices of people telling me I wasn’t good enough. Instead, it was just me withdrawing, repressing my feelings, and drinking. I think in looking back many people didn’t feel that I wasn’t good enough. But I did and that is what mattered most, and my action was no action. I isolated more and more and fell into the depths of alcoholism and shame. There were not voices of others, they were my voices. Those people probably didn’t know what to say or they were just not able to be there for me and that is okay. Yes, I was angry at others for a long time. But I realize today that the biggest resentment I was carrying was toward me.

How do I work through that daily? I do the same thing I started doing when I went to treatment for alcoholism. I stopped playing the victim and took ownership for my thoughts, feelings and actions. Now, I show up every day by getting out of bed and giving myself a chance to heal by experiencing everything that life has to offer me. Is there fear? Hell yes! But there is a lot more opportunity to grow even with the discomfort. And, that kicks fear in the ass every single time I decide to show up. It is also quite empowering and that feels amazing. I own this!

Thanks again for all your support. Please keep sending me your feedback, your stories, and requests for future blogs and podcasts. It does matter and you matter! Know that you are loved in this world. Talk soon and God Bless!

Did you know that meditation is simply the opposite of worrying? My new podcast talks about ways to be present with your feelings and not repress them through avoidance and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Listen here.

Steve