Four Things You Need to Know about Shame
If you’ve followed my blogs and podcasts, you know that I talk a lot about shame — the belief that we are disappointing ourselves or others and not living up to expectations. Shame is a universal feeling, and it’s something that can lead to unhealthy behaviors — addiction, self-abuse, bad relationships — if we don’t understand it, recognize it, and get out in front of it. To help others on their journey in addressing shame, I’m sharing four things that I’ve learned in my own experience and research that are often overlooked but are important to know.
Shame thrives in secrecy
Everyone experiences some degree of shame and the common feeling that we don’t want to talk about it. It can be embarrassing, and it can make us vulnerable — both feelings that can seem as bad as the shame itself. But keeping shame bottled up only makes it grow. We have to be able to let others in and share and talk about what we’re experiencing.
Shame is often misunderstood
Although it may be “embarrassing” to talk about, it’s important to recognize that shame is not about embarrassment or humiliation. Psychology Today reports that shame is not about feeling bad, remorse or regret. And moreover, shame does not mean guilt. Guilt means “I did something bad” whereas shame means “I am bad.” It is a general feeling of not be “enough” for ourselves or someone else.
Shame can be triggered when we least expect it
It’s different for everyone. Sometimes it’s an old memory, or a work task we don’t feel up to, or even a comment we’ve heard repeatedly from a loved one. Negative feelings can hit us out of nowhere, and if we’re not ready for them, and we don’t have a healthy response, we can quickly revert to unhealthy behaviors. To truly recognize and address shame, head on, we have to have systems in place to understand when those negative feelings are triggered and to hold those negative feelings at bay. We have to remember they are natural, they are normal, but they don’t have to define us.
Shame can be overcome.
Despite its prevalence and its perceived power, it’s essential to recognize that we are not helpless. We do not have to keep the cycle of shame, withdrawal, abuse/addiction, and shame again going.
In my experience, these strategies can help:
Practice gratitude. Make an intentional, daily act of identifying and voicing everything you’re grateful for. You can do this while meditating or just as you’re driving to work. If this seems overwhelming, break it down. If you’re walking, think about five things about the walk you’re grateful for — your shoes, the pavement, your environment, your health, the air in your lungs — you get the picture. The point is to make this a habit, and practice gratitude every day.
Stay in the now. A lot of times, we get caught up in old memories or bad experiences that it paralyzes us to move forward. Instead, be cognizant of where you are in this moment. Be still with your thoughts and feelings. Appreciate how you are feeling right now and know that your past is in the past.
Connect with others. Along the lines of opening up, it’s essential as you deal with shame to reach out to others. Remember, shame thrives in secrecy. It’s up to you to get out there, make friendships, and foster those relationships. Whether it’s a support group, best friend, life coach, church group — it doesn’t matter. The point is connecting with others, hearing their stories, showing empathy, and sharing your story only makes you stronger.
In dealing with shame, we all have to dig deep. We have to get to what’s really behind our insecurities and our feelings of inadequacy. We have to open up and we have to embrace those feelings of embarrassment and vulnerability. It is hard. I’m not going to lie. But we can do it.
For more insights and encouragement on your journey to happiness and wellness, browse my blogs and check out my latest podcast.