People-Pleasing and Self-Blame Became Toxic for Me
5 reasons it’s different for me now…
Looking back now, I realize that at a very young age my conditioning and coping became this: Making other people happy would equate to my happiness and personal emotional safety. Even if it meant sacrificing my own needs, the math seemed simple. If others were happy, then I had permission to be happy. I also began to fear and believe that saying no would bring disappointment, conflict, and could jeopardize the relationship. It only brought on more fear and shame. Early on I was faced with a challenge. What could I do if my needs were not getting met despite my efforts to please others?
When I was younger, I sought safety by creating fantasy worlds where everyone just got along with each other. I became an isolator and that felt safe. Why should I be blamed for others’ unhappiness? If I was happy, then why couldn’t others around me be happy for me? Why was their bad mood my problem and fault? Withdrawing and isolating from others became a way to get back at people. For me, it was my way of protesting others’ poor treatment of me and disregard for my needs and feelings. It was revenge. Little did I realize it was only creating more harm than good for me.
The challenge became more complex because my self-awareness, acceptance, and self-efficacy and resiliency skills were not deeply instilled as part of my upbringing. I struggled with expressing a thought or feeling constructive. I either displayed a lot of negative emotion or I chose to be silent. Expressing any negative emotions was frowned upon while I was growing up. My people-pleasing tendencies took me down a path of defining my self-worth based on others’ general happiness and their opinion of me. As my people-pleasing efforts increased, so did my expectations. As my expectations continued to grow, the disappointments did as well. Those disappointments became resentments. I sought comfort in the bottle. I chose to self-medicate in order to self-regulate.
For a long time, there were two things I didn’t believe I could do on my own. First, I didn’t trust that things were going to turn out ok if I decided to walk alone and protect my core beliefs. Second, I came to believe that loneliness (feeling left out and not accepted) was an indicator that something was wrong with me (shame). I simply couldn’t sit long enough with my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When I chose to walk away, the shame of feeling lonely would make me impatient and I would return to hoping and expecting things would be different each time. These toxic/narcissistic people in my life would prepare and mount their attack by making the case that my boundaries were too rigid. And that, once again, I was the problem of why I was being left out.
Being influenced by toxic (narcissistic) people, I felt guilty for my ‘alleged’ mistakes when others were let down. Eventually, that translated from, I made a mistake to I am a mistake, even when I wasn’t at fault per se. That’s called shame. Eventually, the shame became destructive. People pleasing and self-condemnation became shaming for me. That disappointment in myself became very detrimental and I started to play the victim and isolated more and more. My drinking progressed to the point where I was truly alone in isolation, shame, and filled with a lot of resentments. I became an alcoholic. I chose to get some help.
Today, it is much different for me, and the daily choice to work at this continues. I now have over two (2) years of sobriety and most importantly my self-esteem and emotional intelligence are at some of the healthiest levels that I can ever recall. Here are five (5) things that I do regularly to deal with the fear, doubt, and uncertainty that still attempt to cloud my judgment when it comes to interpersonal relationships:
- Self-Discovery — It’s an inside job and not a part-time gig. When fear arises, I ask myself these questions: What I am afraid of? Is it true? Am I doing my part? Is my response necessary and good for my overall well-being and others? I realize now that sometimes it is best to simply walk away and stay away. Meditation is great for thi
- Expectations — “Remove expectations from others and you will take away their power to hurt you.” Ideally, no expectations equal no resentments. In reality, what is key for me is to not let my head become a resentment factory. If past issues bubble up and become triggering, then it’s back to step one for me.
- Believe — I now have a general belief that I can control my thoughts, feelings, and reactions to a degree where it is no longer harmful to me. I believe in my ability to handle things as they come along and meet my needs and goals.
- Gratitude — It is the healthiest of all emotions and the most healing besides love. I focus on what I have in my life versus what I think I do not have. It works.
- Eliminate Self Pity — I’ve stopped playing the victim. It only blocks my spiritual growth, and it’s disempowering.
For me, it all begins with developing a good self-awareness to find safety from these unhealthy coping mechanisms and toxic people. It is a daily practice and I find prayer and meditation helpful. I’ve realized that I need not play the victim anymore. My self-efficacy and esteem are at healthy levels today with much less emotional reactivity to people and situations. I can pause and respond when I am comfortable and ready. I can just walk away and stay away and believe that everything will work out and be ok. In fact, it is more than ok. It is freedom! Today, I spend much more time in gratitude, focusing on every blessing that I have in my life instead of focusing on what I think I am being denied or what I think I don’t have or might lose.